Grandma's Rules

Never touch people’s knees, unless you’re prepared for a concussion
You may only lose an ear, but still
The radio must be turned OFF when something important is being said;
simply turning it down will not suffice
You may ask for presents while grocery shopping with grandma,
but never expect more than one present per person
Your hair will never be straight and flat enough to please grown-ups
For reasons no one really understands, spit is the only thing which fixes this
We don’t make fun of people who snore too loudly;
it leads them to enjoy British comedies, and jazz
more than they otherwise would
Only adults are allowed to drink from the milk jug,
and only adults may eat their seconds over the stove
Keys are easy things to leave behind or lose
So always make sure someone you can count on is carrying a spare
Sometimes you can’t… you just can’t…
It is best to accept that and move on
Old people don’t like young people to say old people words
If they catch you saying them, just pretend you don’t realize
that they’re old people
The flute is harder to learn to play than the guitar
Piano? Don't make me laugh
You will eat whatever strange food is put in front of you
If you don’t, we’ll all be forced to eat cookies instead
It’s acceptable to spend Sunday afternoons at a cemetery
Normal people drive around rich neighborhoods for hours afterward as well
Saturday morning is best spent at garage sales
Grandmas will always want to go the lake once the garage sales are over,
but it’s common to mistakenly think they
aren’t having a good time once there
If you’re going to eat in the car, you must find a shady spot
to park in beforehand
A bird might start singing for us, after all;
and we wouldn’t want to miss that
You aren’t allowed to pee while on road trips,
until someone gets thirsty enough to ask grandma to stop for a soda
And grandmas only sing louder
if you ask them why that’s the way things are
It takes less energy to scream at people in the next room
to come turn your light on in the middle of the night
than it does to get out of bed, and do it yourself
Professionals can even get the person who answers the call
to bring them a drink, while they’re at it
The music people like the least is what grandmas want to hear
when in your company
They’re really just complimenting your taste
when they look at you like you’re crazy for not knowing it
Someday you will watch grandma’s crazy movies, and love them
Trust us, you really will
Reading teaches us to become better spellers
Even if you don’t care about spelling, it’s good times;
so reading is a requirement
Trees, clouds, and the like are much more important
than your favorite TV show
If you don’t believe me, try finding a plug or a power button for the moon
Sometimes you have to go to church, even if you aren’t a religious person
Of course we know better than to believe what they tell us there,
but it’s just for fun
The same goes for reading horoscopes
Adults sometimes call you the wrong name when you’re in trouble,
but you know who they’re really talking to;
so don’t act oblivious, it won’t help
The oldest version of a film is always the best
The book is even better!
Some people don’t understand sarcasm, and never will
It’s still okay to love these people,
just don’t take your jokes too far;
otherwise they may forget you even like them
Letting that sort of thing happen
will always be against the rules
And, until you’ve birthed a big-headed baby that made your bones move,
you don’t get to make the rules

Poetry from POETiCA by Shane Windham
E-book and paperback now on Amazon.com

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